I have great hope for the art world and I think things are really going to pick up by the time I make it back to New York from my recent trip to space. That’s right folks, if you’ve noticed that I’ve been away for the last week its because ive gone extra terrestrial. In a few short days I will be returning to terra firma but tonight I wanted to write to all of my fans and gloat a little about the view of tonight’s full moon I have from 200 miles up. Low earth orbit really gets you high. And im not fucking around. I just did a zero g back flip in between sentences. Ok, I know what your thinking, bullshit right? Not bullshit my friends. It pays to know people and my good friend Vladimir let me tag along on his 20 million dollar space vacation in exchange for a little free publicity for an art project he is working on back home. Just want to say thanks to Vlad and the whole crew for the smooth ride. I raise my glass of Tang to you sirs. Although I know I should be posting notable moments from this unique opportunity, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t feel the urge to rip into a few things I felt were missing from this adventure. Ray Guns. I mean seriously, sexy single girl floatin around up here, surrounded by drunken Russian cosmonauts - where’s my freaking ray gun. Someone needs to leave a note for the concierge service next time. How am I supposed to play Barbarella without one? And another thing. They make you pee in a vacuum cleaner up here. I mean we can send a man to the moon but we can’t invent a space bidet? Space it turns out is not as civilized as one might have imagined. To be honest with you , beyond the incredible views I feel like ive been living in a Winnebago all week, and not one of those cool Winnebagos you see on cable TV. Im taking about those tin shells that you can see in advertisements from old life magazines in the 60’s. I wonder how you say Winnebago in Russian. Do they have Winnebago’s in Russia? Anyhow, it’s not all bad, they gave me this sick blue onesie with an American flag lapel pin on it and it sleeps great, you know once im velcroed into my adjustable sleep unit. The whole experience has really been quite moving and educational. For example, did you know that the moon is not falling towards the earth and is instead moving about two inches away from our planet every year? I did not know that. Comes as quite a relief actually. Also I found out that there’s lots of really dangerous radiation up here that can cause severe brain damage and there’s lots of really dangerous radiation up here that can cause severe brain damage.
Well friends, Its almost time for my next protein pill and mug of Tang. So before I go I just want to mention that I have never seen a great art exhibition about space. Why is that? Why don’t people make serious art about space? It’s the freaking final frontier for Christ’s sake. If you’ve seen a great show about space let me know… post it on my wall or write me here at the blog.
thechelseabeat@gmail.com. Also, while im up here ripping through low earth orbit at 17,000 mph I just want you to know that I can see your house from up here and I know what your doing so stop it right now. Also I would like to thank Vlad and Jesus for this opportunity and throw a shout out to Moms and Threejay for believing I could get here one day. See you earthlings later ;)
Refreshments: Tang A++
This is one of my favorite beverages from my childhood. The stuff is out of this world and other awesome puns. Instead of a proper review I wrote apoem about Tang.
Tang. The instant space drink that astronauts like to drink.
Tang. Puts a smile on your face to drink.
Tang. Its not juice its your fate
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